an overwhelming....hope

there is an overwhelming pile of pictures (some are a little hard to look at just yet documenting the birthing process) and an overwhelming pile of pain so my chronicles of baby blog entries are as random as the first picture i happen to snap on and quickly upload.  i think it's going to be this way for a while.  

everything feels utterly overwhelming.  i have this vision that isn't happening because my body is ions away from my head and heart right now.  i wish i could just heal up overnight so i could do everything i want to be able to do.  bedrest is torture and even more torturesome because i can feel how much i need it.  

i have the best baby in the whole world and i just want to give him everything so it is so painful to be so broken.  he just deserves so much more after everything he endured in the hospital.  

we went to the midwives yesterday and he was my perfect cherub.  sometimes he is so good and sweet it just breaks my heart.  i stare at him constantly like our vision has telepathic glue and i just can't help it when he is in my arms.  he has been looking at me so much too now, really taking me in.  it's the sweetest thing in the world!  shadden paws my chest and reaches to hold my fingers and grab my hair and stares up at me with big eyes.  

bobby took him on his first walk today with hero around the neighborhood.  they looked so cute the three of them!  shadden in the orange sling tina got us so tiny on bobby's chest with his deer antler head poking out and bobby's arms wrapped around him so tight!  everywhere outside is like magic.  its so green and gorgeous.  the spring trees are popping everywhere!  giant pink and purple trees and bright spring flowers.  i am in awe as if the world had no color before this.  i am killing to garden!  i lay in bed thinking of flowers constantly.  

the overwhelming beauty outside is the pendulum reminding me where my hope lies.  when i feel beaten, too sore for anything, helpless and needy, i have to repeat to myself, 

"love always hopes.  love always hopes.  love always hopes."  

God is there.  i feel so small and weak.  so dependent on everyone that i just hate it.  the midwife alice and doulla hilary who was with me said they have never ever seen a labor with so many complications as mine.  what the dickens?!?!!?!  alice said she has only had one other birth end up in the hospital ICU in her entire career and it didn't have the trials or complications of mine.  i can't figure any of it out and i don't really care to.  i don't know if i will ever be able to have another baby in the traditional way since natural and hospital interventions all seems to have their own shares of complications.  i don't know what my mutant uterus is at this point.  but everyday i see this beautiful boy crying out to me, needing me, and i just want to give him the moon!  

i want to do yoga so bad and even the easy postpartum video is too hard for my tummy and body.  someday i will be healed and will be able to stretch and do yoga.  sometime i will be able to garden again.  sometime i will be able to go for hikes with hero again.  for now, just getting up and going to the bathroom is a big enough challenge.  

i think of poor job.  he went through the wrecker!  in everything there is a season.  maybe i have to be humbled feeling the weakness of having to lean on everyone around me?  

all i know is, outside it is getting greener even if i can barely see it.  even if i can't feel it, i pray i am healing and getting stronger and healthier everyday.  greener and greener.  and i know the overwhelming whimpers are nothing compared to the overwhelming beaming sunshiny strength of God.  "love always prevails.  love always hopes."  

Lord, please grace me with your love so i can feel the power of your overwhelming hope!