settling down

the idea of settling down comes with a reflex of emotional dyslexia. places blur and seem suddenly hard to make out, "out of place." or maybe its because i feel out of place. in the monopoly of my mind, i see my life filled with numerous amusing places all within my next turn. the idea of sticking to one space feels like being stuck in jail. i want out. a place to breathe. more. i don't know how my dreams can be so contradicting and yet they are.

when i think of reaching a "place." i begin inwardly thinking of scenarios where i am suddenly left alone in this space and do not know how to handle it because it has been chosen by two. by a life bigger than my own. by my other side. it scares me how dependent i get as our marriage grows into picking out places to live and chosing a life together. every choice is so different from any i would ever make on my own. so if i were ever left there with only myself it would all be wrong. i feel my independence flailing as my interdependence kicks up a notch in my high jet flyer. i gasp, lean back, and feel my heart leaning further inside my chest. i clench my hands and look ahead of me as all my sideline options wisk away and i race ahead to some sort of unknown compromise. i hear bobby call me out of my daydream, but i am glued up inside with options, choices, emotions, and the momentum of life.

somehow the world keeps turning. i keep breathing. and thankfully so is my co-pilot.