bebe season: waiting for dahlia

so normally when it happens, i break out crying. its those random unexpectable uncontrollable tears that just burst right out without asking.

i get the call, hear the voice on the line, splendidness. and then it comes, "i'm pregnant!"

this is the first time i didn't get the incredible rush of tears, but i think its because i heard it in a 3-part fashion of play by play messages back and forth over a period of days therefore minimizing the initial sound potency.

or perhaps its just setting in.

women have babies. a dream. one of my dreams. its happening now. my dearest sistas are having babies. first babies and multiple babies. its happening in NOW speed.

its that time in my life.

it was strange when it started with weddings. everyone started pairing off like theflood was coming. it was urgent. "we're engaged! we're getting married!" now. boom. boom. boom. two by two they marched. we marched. bridesmaid season was IN. we did every color: pink, blue (light blue, periwinkle blue, medium blue), green, purple, yellow, orange, white, you name it we wore it. it was completely oh so fabulouso.

it happened too fast to me even though i extended it with an unheard of year and 1/2 engagement. (gasp!)

and now, it shouldn't surprise me, but i am fearfully slow. the fact that my girls not only have their own personal forever boytoy-and not the old throw away boys who will come and go but our friendship always stays-somehow there is a perma boy in the house during our slumber parties?!?!! but babies too!!!

this is still alarming. we as women make babies. and i can't explain it but that line, that full conceptual and actual factual physical realization, that sentence inmy ears, that new revelation that my best friend is having a baby! our lives will never be the same again! yes that line is reoccurring and yes i am a drama queen. that my bff has one singular new forming child currently residing in her own tiny body, causes some crazy emotional reaction in my tear ducts and i can't help but cry-along with my shrieks and screams-.

and then the question comes. what about you? when are you going to have your own baby?

who...moi?

and i get the shocked expression that of all people, i should be the one to be popping out thousands of babes, working with kids, and doing it 5 years ago. because somehow i have given off that impression. so i am interpreting.

and i know. i know. i totally know. i just don't know.

blame it on those dag libra scales! i want it all and/or/but simultaneously.

yes, i want to have my mini talbie hush-hush GULLEY tribe. but its always something to come. in the future. in a few years. but then a few years come. and i don't know how they could have possibly come and gone so fast because i so have done nothing with my life in the mean time or so it feels.

tonight i laid on the couch with boobie and duma. boobs was grouchy from a sleepless crazy week of hospital runs, birthday preparing, and tests. i was in friday off glee which he so was not getting. duma was purring his kitters off always making sure the circle was complete connecting his tail to me or his paw to bobby so he was at all times connected to both of us simultaneously (yes! we did get the sweetest peach in feline form). and for about five minutes i actually drifted off. when i awoke with the boys still sleeping, i couldn't go back to sleep nor wanted to. it felt so good. too good to miss. no this is not a aerosmith moment. it was actually an ella fitzgerald moment. i started wondering what if we did have a baby and we couldn't just lay like this swooning of romantic tunes vegging out whenever we wanted together.

and yet, when we talked about getting a pet bobby kept saying, "forget the cat. forget the dog. lets skip it and just have a baby!" and i love it so deep down in my heart that God gave me a husband like that. of course i convinced him no, this is not a negotiable i must have all of the above at some time in our life its just a matter of which is first. but seriously, to have a husband who actually wants a baby is mind blowing to me.

i grew up around men-guys family who talked about kids being a "responsibility." one they weren't too keen on because it cut into "me, myself, and i" time. i don't know why i am using quotations i guess because i am emphasizing it in conversation in my head.

i honestly don't know how i ended up with a guy who is loyal, persistent, and committed enough to pursue me and convince me that marriage is something that can be an okay to good to great thing. that a stable home environment is something to cherish and strive for. that it doesn't have to mean a monotonous life is overstench takes over. that having a baby doesn't mean the guy will have to respond to our cultural norms of hit and run attack backing out and resorting to a mental world of his own separating himself from his family. why do i have all these perceptions that that is how guys and family functions just have to behave? and how without realizing it did God perfectly pair me up with someone who somehow blindly trusts with complete adoration and faithful compliance to the belief and desire for true commitment of love partnership, home, and family? i have to thank the gulley's for instilling all these in him because i don't think he would be the same without their voice in his life mirroring this. but, i didn't know this when i met him. i didn't think he was that guy. i thought he was a confident player who believed in Jesus. which he was. but since i have met him, this other side has come out and insisted inside him like a jungle growing that he needs to be married. he needs to have a home. he needs to be a father someday.

and we leave the someday there because we know it will happen but i have to go through my fickle back and forth over and under round about way of teetering until somehow i stubbornly heels in end up at the place bobby told me about. his dream. because its both of our dreams merging and coming true encompassing mirage opposites in a divine concoction no one else but the Lord could create. exhibit 1: duma. a kit-cat dream of mine since college. a bobby unconcieved notion which he betwixtedly made come true and suddenly loves cats.

what?

how do i have a Mother and Father who knew this??!!! who just knew my needs so completely. who knew bobby's needs so completely. so that when i saw with my human eyes all the faults and insecurities, God saw a covering of imperfect loves collapsing into a bridge to heaven. that all my fears would be covered with my husbands faith. that he would help me to believe in love and God inspired humanity. that i would remind him love is daily. love is work, daily attention and adoration, praising, sensitivity, and seeing God in all the small special moments of goodness in the day.

so when i lay there realizing he is sleeping and not enjoying a could be date night. and he feels me rustling unable to sleep, making requests and tiredly replies alittle too curt. and i feel sensitive to that tone and wonder God, why him. i am reminded that there are so many bigger things, deeper heartfelt convictions that i can't always feel in the moment or understand but know in those times when i need most to trust that we are melded into one. and with all the gurgled complaints, i really should be praising, thanking, and rejoicing because this love comes from a more reliable, more true, more sturdy, and more holy source than my ficklest fickleties. despite my foolishness, we are loved and so can share this love that spreads deeper and wider and truer than i will ever "know."