anew balance

We have had a few cool nights making some of the leaves outside begin to fall. The sight of them calms me. The leaves on the ground look like I want to be surrendered, falling, resting. Something is changing inside me this season. Normally I resist the end of summer craving more sunshine and warm weathered days of fullness and life exploding. After spending August primarily working and staying out of the heat because of nausea I am eager and ready for the fall, the winter, and I think in some way it is all because I am already on the look out waiting for the baby's spring arrival. As I am in anticipation, I also am ready to slow down.

Last year, I was daydreaming wondering which color and which tree I would be if I were fall. I knew instantly I would be the last of the last trees to turn blazing hot red. This year, I think I am already falling if I haven’t fallen already. I don’t know if I turned much color I just am ready to go down and fall completely. I don't know if this is just my impression of myself or if others can see it too. The other day in sheer exhaustion I told Bobby even a Dracula coffin sounded wonderful to just be able to rest for a hundred years and wake when I felt ready. I want to hibernate and sleep like a mama bird until something hatches but of course there is far to much to do in the city. When I tell myself to slow down I begin to run the second I pull into campus and begin work. I don’t know why but I am even more addicted to perfectionist work tendencies than before. I can’t stop myself I just keep on doing more and more for some reason. Ideas keep popping into my head. Almost like storing up before the winter comes, I am so focused it’s scary. I just see all these precious lives around me and I want so dearly to take care of them. It is wonderful to be with my same students as last year, see them grow, watch their excitement and goals for the new year. I feel so proud of them that I think I am partly killing myself tending away. Then I get home and feel guilty as if I am putting all my energy into life around me and not my own home. Bobby feels the brunt of housework which I gave up on. There is a balance somewhere but already my hormones pull me to the side of mothering over taking care of myself. And the truth is, it brings me the most joy. I just love working watching girls bloom into ladies and then fold back into childhood. I keep singing the Thing Called Love song:

"I have a dream of my own and it's mine and mine alone. It's been my friend since I was just a girl. It has a life it has a heart it has a soul and it's apart of everything this woman gives the world. And it's a big dream big enough to share like a rainbow hanging in the air. And it's all apart of making me feel new."