saying goodbye

jeff, becca, hailey, and savannah moved to maine. it's just not d.c. without jeff. he's always been here! thankfully, i was able to spend a little qt with hailey and savannah before they left. we all played and poor savannah was so upset when it was time to go to bed. i let her stay up a bit later but had to put her down despite her protests, "NO!" "NO!" "NO!" heartbreaking for a girl who is always smiling and ready to play. hailey seemed not to notice pulling me aside to have our time. we played and then painted for a few hours. for over an hour hailey and i spoke sweet nothings to one another.

haizy: "i love you my kiki. i will paint this for you because i love you and you are my kiki. i will make paintings for you when i am in maine."

auntie: "i love you hailey. this painting is for you because i love you. i love to paint with you."

haizy: "this will be extra beautiful for you kiki. i will put all the good colors for you."

auntie: "you did! it is so so beautiful! you are a wonderful painter."

haizy: "yes, kiki. i make beautiful paintings-just like you. i am a very good painter."

auntie: "and you are generous and kind."

haizy: "yes, what was genrus again? i think i am genrus. why am i genrus again?"

auntie: "you are generous because we share our paint colors with each other."

haizy: "yes, kiki i like your paints and oranges. they are the finest in the land. bobby will miss those oranges because they were so juicy. i love you beautiful kiki, because you are so nice. i like to paint with you. we won't sleep tonight. i might get tired but we will just sit here and paint all night."

auntie: "we have been painting for an hour. look how dark it is outside. everyone is sleeping."

haizy: "but not us because we are painting and talking about how much we love each other."

auntie: "yes, because i love you so much."

haizy: "will you always be there kiki, even when i am in maine?"

i got to hold hailey in my arms and carry her up and down the stairs three times for old duck, milk, and snacks. she slept on the edge of her bed and i slept next to her on the floor. we read stories, held eyes and fingers, talked, and finally drifted off to sleep.

in some ways it is harder to say goodbye to a child. i know i can keep in touch with jeff. we can talk on the phone, email, visit, etc. kids are different. you really have to be there to keep up with everything. to know all the favorites since they change so often.

i went home tired, feeling so loved, and sad. how could i say goodbye to my bunny? the tears came and i realized i have my own baby to love. after all the babysitting, volunteering, after school programs, students, nannying building up relationships and trust to finally say goodbye, i finally will have my own baby that i won't ever have to say goodbye to in the same way. i will have the invincible motherhood bond.