on january 2, 2002 we had our first date. in january 2003, we got engaged. on june 26, 2004 we got married. today we celebrate our fifth year of dating, our third year of marriage, and our future years together.
tonight at work we discussed respect. things you can say and do to show respect to others. the girls made collages in groups showing respectful relationships. then i had an intervention, a mediation, a nurse run for asthma medicine, a homesick girl crying, and two behavior re-directions. when i was in the mediation, telling a child how special she was she looked me in the eyes and welled. first her right eye overflowed onto her cheek and then her left eye spilled over marking her sweet face with emotions i tried to read like a clue on a map.
these last three months have been incredibly difficult for me. i laughed at myself just today for the change in my heart. i feel like i belong in this role God has placed me in and yet, when i was job searching it was the furthest thing from my mind. i was trying to "escape" the chaos of kids. i actually had a conversation with my mom and grandma explaining every reason i explicitly did not want to work with kids. randomly i ended up in the heart of teenage girls, disorder, the mom role (again), and a urban environment i struggle with in my soul.
it was not what i planned.
i don't know where i get my ideas from. my scenario of how life is going to go is always interrupted. how am i so far off?
if you told me five years ago or four years ago that i would be marrying bobby i never would have believed it. i wasn't ready for marriage, especially that soon to a boy i had only dated a year.
i don't know if i am ever really ready for things. when they come, i need to change and grow so that i can be what the situation demands from me.
for some reason, i have been hit with the challenge of anger. the blast of anger everyday makes me crave a peace in my soul that i have never experienced. i want to feel God in a whole new way. i want to feel that peace that surpasses all understanding. i want peace like a river. i want to feel God in my blood not in my energy or love or joy but in my peace. i want to hear peace, see peace, feel peace, picture peace, know peace, say peace, be peace. i want peace so deep in my soul that it overflows into my marriage, into my home, into my students, into my SEED house, into SEED school, into my family, into my girls, into my city, into my country, into the world. i want peace everywhere.
tonight bobby came home in his navy scrubs and yellow flowers for me. we laid on the bed and he looked deep into my eyes. he gave me his card asking me to read it out loud. i have been real emotional lately. as i read it, i got welly and looked at him, and then i cried and read the rest. later thinking of it, i got teary again.
its only been three years and i can feel a thing like peace in us. its not the peace i am craving, but its a peace that blesses me with comfort. the gift of my marriage this year has been a deep satisfying core support that i did not think i needed. in my bobby space i feel the peace of assurance, safety, the loyalty of knowing that everyday we come home to each other. we belong together.
in the hard days when i come home with my head in my hands feeling exhausted. when i have stuffed every emotion down to be sensible and take care of everyone else. i sit naked not knowing how to release everything i have heard, seen, said, felt.
one night, i heard a tap on the bathroom door. i felt the urge to push him away to be alone to fight it all on my own. he didn't say anything. i heard music. the piano was slow and strong and hit just that spot. i put my head back into my hands. he knows how to get me. how to hold me close, draw me in, how to open me up when i push everyone away and try to get through on my own. he reminds me in his presence that i am never alone. that everyday he is there asking me how i am. to love me no matter what. with karen singing and the words of helpless rising from the speakers into my ears, my tears fell out of me.
three years, and i am so thankful for the gift of true companionship. a boy who gets me down into my soul. he teased me that he knows what every curve of my lips mean! i don't even know that. when we first dated he would remark on things i would do, commenting on my quirks and what i thought of as imperfections. he was studying me so closely that now he knows exactly what i am feeling or about to say based upon the way i move my lips or look up. and when he doesn't, i tell him.
its surprising to me how God just "knows" these things, exactly what i need, exactly when i need it. i don't understand it all but i love these moments looking back and just feeling so blessed, so taken care of, so known, and so loved by my God and my boy who is always and forever by my side.
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