gift

Mary Engelbright

Today I had the final farewell companion gift of holding hailey in my arms, surprisingly similar to when I began my shift 15 months ago. I began as bunny's companion when she was four months old unable to use a bottle, still sleeping with her mama and about to have many dramatic changes in her life. The first week was almost impossible to get her to sleep...much like today. My entire body hurt much like my arms are aching tonight. Only this time, when she was distraught and i tried to soothe her with her favorite things, all she wanted was me.

I held her head in my hand with my arms wrapped around her body bouncing and swaying her as she fell asleep on my shoulder cheek to cheek with me dragoning her sweet toddler breathe in my face. I watched her little chubby large for her size toddler fingers moving as she drifted into sleep. I kissed her cheeks, rubbed her back, and combed her soft hair. I got teary thinking of how it would probably be my last time to hold her as she slept upon my chest.

I remember when I started, I prayed and prayed to God, my angels, and her angels to help me to know her and how to soothe her. Now, 15 months later, my prayer answered I heart breakingly must walk away from the tender bond we hold and morif into an Auntie-Neice relationship. This is a lot harder internally than it sounds. To spend every week day talking constantly to a toddler and then to be separated from her and not "know" all her daily quirks, her favorties, her new games, new faces, new words honestly breaks my heart. But, I am so blessed to have this not be an end to a babysitting position where I will drift off into the years perhaps never speaking again. This, is just the beginning of my relationship with my precious and first neice. The years will show how she grows from a baby into a child into a girl into a woman. God willing, I will have my own playmates for her to run around with and teach the ways of the world.

Nevertheless, tonight my heart breaks for bunny and the closeness I feel with her. Tonight does not feel like a party inside. Tonight feels like a kind of mourning and a kind of deep gratitude for the bond God and her parents have allowed us to share. I feel the gift of the day, the way she reached out to me in love asking for me to hold her and stay cheek to cheek all day long because we now have a special love for one another.

art by Mary Engelbright