the venus of my soul

there is this thing about bobby and i. when we are apart we terrible. we get independent, selfish, and consumed with our own priorities. so whenever we meet up again it is rocky blending into sacrificing for our oneness and not thinking just of our individualistic desires we have been serving.

i get so annoyed! why are you like this??!?!!!! i think, ugh! what is wrong with him?!?!! and when he surprises me and says, "why do you have to be so different all the time?" i immediately answer, "you knew this! you married me! you knew exactly what i was like, all my weird ideas, how much i demand AND you CHOOSE me!" This always brings smiles to our faces. remembering all of our differences and how we have been dealing with them since day one, and yet our Mother and Father somehow continue to bring us to a point we can agree on...we both adamantly love love.

one of the most amazing things about being married is getting to experience God together. we can actually feel how God works and reworks and actually lives in our oneness.

i don't really understand how it all works. how God is our truest love. how our Mother and Father lets us abide and remain in Her and Himself. She and He in us. it just leaves me in awe.

"I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me, and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5 (NRSV)

the very words my God speaks to me of "us." of our connection, our understanding, our relationship, that we actually abide in one another. Her in me, and i actually in her?!?!!

as mind blowing as this is, it is through my marriage that i begin to understand it and become even more in shock of it. that i can experience a union with my husband is trippy enough, but that i can actually experience oneness with my God, is hardly conceivable that it really is true! and yet, it is. She writes to me of it so even when i think i am not worth that depth of love and cannot accept it or believe in it, she writes it to my very own heart to appeal to my mind and soul that it is so.

"Now to him who by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen" Ephesians 3:20-21 (NRSV)

God dwells and works within us and we also remain in Her. what an amazing gift!

i love how our Mother and Father builds up our marriage so that we can understand more of what it means to be one, to be whole, and feel love through experiencing it together. it is almost as if i miss something-than my partner understands it and covers my blindness, or if there is something i am not giving than my partner knows and asks more from me. it is a covering and refining and blending and mirroring and balancing and polishing and heartbreaking act of partnership that we shadow step; dying to ourselves to become apart of something anew, a oneness, apart of the very Lordship we believe in.

and yet, we do not need marriage because our God is our true love. sometimes i think of Paul writings and of Paul himself and of all the energy that i could be putting elsewhere if i were not concentrating so much on my husband. i wonder, how much more could i achieve if i were single? how many more lives could i love if i were not consumed with my own marriage and family? and yet, i know in my own brokenness it is the love that i witness particularly between two lovers that speaks to my heart in a way nothing else can. my Mother and Father have chosen me for marriage for family and i am truly thankful for it.

after a crazy few months of hosting several family visits and travels to: china, michigan, florida, the caribbean, and new york; it is nice to hibernate with just my boy in the comfort of our own cave. to settle into "our rhythm" and feel the goodness of being together surrounded in love and peace and our God blessed home.

things i praise and thank you for in my marriage Holy One:

-God
-my husband
-falling more in love
-praying together
-never being alone at night
-the way he takes out the garbage
-and does the icky things i don't want to do
-being buddies at home
-the way he makes me laugh
-when he cooks
-how diligently he researches for our someday home
-his affection and compliments
-the way our minds and souls connect in politics and justice
-the way God has sewn us together
-when he initiates serving in church
-when we serve each other
-our families
-the dreams of our future
-feeling love and loved
-YOU living in us